The Perfect Day

Surrounded by friends and colleagues, learning new and better ways to serve my clients and forging new alliances.

Drive time with quality conversation and roaring laughter with my brother.

Dinner on the sofa with three dogs, hus, and our TV trays.

Walking the dogs under clear soft moonlit skies.

Having that AHA moment where I finally see how my ego set me back a while ago, and getting a totally clear picture of how to make that relationship right.

Crawling into a nice warm bed.

Tired. Normal. Loved.

Happiness

Excellent. Peace. Heard the voice, now I am following it. Sunday will be a big adventure for me. I just have to trust that this calling, so loud it vibrates in me, is full of riches.

Rethinking nourishment

I have had times in my life where the finances and exterior looked damn good. Lots of money, lots of hip clothing, jewelry, a new car. I remember those times as feeling prideful and a little empty. I went on a lot of shopping trips on the weekends, laying out each Saturday morning with what stores i would go to and making lists of things i ‘needed.’

The people in my life were success-driven in the career realm and my family sat in awe of me, but not connected to me.

In the last decade, I have defined myself slowly in an entirely different way. I have really, really slowly come to seek that which is permanent and meaningful … and I’m not talking about diamonds. I’m talking about relationships. Waking up feeling good inside. Feeling fulfilled and nourished.

One of the ways this nourishment is more permanent for me is to study books. I love waking and sitting in my big chair, in the quiet house, with a heating pad on my back and reading in the early morning. It’s so quiet that I can really focus on what is jumping out at me from the reading. I have my coffee and my pen and my journal. I have at least one of our three dogs curled up in my lap, occassionally licking my neck or chin to show me they love me. I LOVE MY MORNINGS.

Here’s the biggest benefit – Instead of waking up to the incessant lists of things in my head which must be urgently addressed, I wake up looking forward to my chair. To letting God tell me what to pay attention to today. It fills me up, lifts me up, allows me to see from a perspective of love, of quest for character. Not quest for money or riches or pride.

This nourishment lasts all day. In the end it will last a lifetime. So much better.

Hello peace

I still have such a sense of peace and love toward the person I had been struggling with. Today my reading is about my true nature being spiritual not physical and my true focus remaining on seeking God. I know this is so important for me. The more time I spend in the morning to be meditative and study and journal, the easier my day goes. It is like I put more air into my raft each day and as a result am more secure on the ocean and feel the waves less. I get to look out at the sea and soak in the beauty, instead of being afraid of the deep. What a blessing.

Finally, relief

Praying for God to help me to fill inthe areas where i feel the lack of something finally led me to discovering what was underneath it. In this moment, I saw how my own self-esteem, or lack thereof, has been driving my judgement of someone else. Not just that simple, but one of those “I feel it on my core” moments, when everything starts to make sense, to feel better.

I don’t have the luxury of wandering far from my path now. I don’t know how long it will last. I can see how the slightest variation from this path I am on, feels tremendously uncomfortable. I don’t want to compare myself to others. I don’t want to have to try to outweigh their value in my mind to compensate for my lack of self esteem if things are going better for them then for me. I want to be free of that. I deserve to be free of that and all I know, is little by little, it’s working.

Today I truly prayed for this person to have all the good things I want for myself in this life. I meant it. I wish I had a shortcut to that state of deep gratitude and humility. But at least I can get there.

Discomfort

I think we know when it’s time. I have been saying yes to the idea of praying for someone that causes me angst. I have been aware of the need to get that out of my heart for months. Today, I agreed to go into action. I agreed to it with God and I received the answer on how to pray for this person…to look until i can see the perfect God within and him/her. It’s all about the inside. Not the outside.

So here’s the funny part to me. I have nothing to lose by really praying for someone else. I have plenty to lose by NOT praying for some one else, by NOT making it right in my heart. I am just so stubborn. My ego really wants to hang on to the idea of how this person wronged me. It is childish and totally human. But my mission is to become a better person. I have to put on my loving child of God panties today and move forward.

I settle down now, and I pray.

Sacrifice vs courage

Is trusting in God that as I grow, I will not need or want the things that I think are important today, sacrifice? I think not. I am embracing this process as one of courage. I am trying to separate out the material life from this process. I keep reverting back to thinking that I will have to give up material things if I really follow my heart. But if I really follow my heart, what I hope to achieve is greater character, genuine love, deep compassion. None of these has anything to do with material items, and there are no rules or boundaries on how my exterior life will change. I must foresee the peace that my soul will have and stop trying to imagine what that looks like on the outside. The outside part is really none of my business and If I do it for anything on the outside I am doing it for the wrong reason.

Courage.